You're OUT!

You’re OUT  and don’t you come back until you have learned the rules. I have decided to appoint myself the Standards Committee Chairman of my own collection. 

First candidate- Ronnie the Rat Meyers,  Professor Emeritus, U of G, Athens, Georgia
Oh my Ronnie these plates have yellow, red and pink stains. You know they are disallowed. What if someone took one of these plates and served coq au vin, or stuffed whitefish with lemon sauce or southern BBQ on one of these rough edged plates. Could you not have sponged down the sharp lines? I’m sorry you shipped your work all this way but you are OUT!

Second candidate- Bruce Dehnert Head of Ceramics at Peter’s Valley Crafts Center, NJ. Oh Bruce your edges are sooooooo sharp! Have you never heard of a green scrubby? What if a customer decided to put their lips to the edge of your vessels?  Your pots are kinda wonky too! Why didn't ya clean all that clay shit off the sides? They don’t look like you have mastered the craft. We here at The Cactus Lounge don't like marks of process.  Sorry man but you are OUT. I still like you as a person though, OK?

Candidate #3 John Chalke The Canadian Cowboy and Conscience of The West- Holy shit, Batman these glazes are beyond acceptable. What if someone took this pan off the wall and decided to serve a Cornish hen in it? The glazes are all bubbled up, sharp and goodness me they just might kill someone. Johnnie my old friend wherever you are please don’t scorch me for this. I’m just doing my job. You’re Out!
OUT! OUT! OUT!


Candidate #4 Dan Murphy- my prof at Utah State University. Oh Dan, this dang moon jar is all lop-sided. It ain’t even symmetrical for heaven sakes. It has these scars on the side of it like it fell on something during the firing. The rim is kinda sharp and it is leaning over all wonky like. You call yourself a Professor- ha! As much as I hate to say this- You’re  BIG TIME OUT!!!!!!

Oh man this has been stressful.  I fear my whole house may well be a danger zone. I have so many pots with all these imperfections.  How could I have chosen so unwisely. Where do I begin?  I'm having friends over tomorrow so I had better trash my entire collection for fear of a law suit. Soooooooo much stress!  I had better go for a run. It helps me get away from all this responsibility. Have a safe day everyone and by all means stay clear of nasty pots.



Comments

Cambria Pottery said…
Great collection and I enjoy your tongue in cheek barbs.
LeeAnn Janissen said…
LOL! As it happens, just this week we were just discussing "rules" for inclusion into our guild show! Thank you for this expert opinion. It helps make my case that we should foster creativity, not stifle it.

I have also been told that my work is too textured and sharp for functional objects. "Great concept, but not functional. Thanks for you interest." But I say that if you want a perfect fitting lid on a smooth, even teapot that pours without dripping, then go to Ikea because they have great stuff there!
Chandler said…
Hope all standards committees of all the guilds are reading....and learning? Sigh.
Dennis Allen said…
I presume that Corningware would be acceptable.
stp said…
You must be a off center, rough edged kinda guy.
Robert Pauly said…
Actually Ms. Janissen, lids that fit and teapots that pour well are desirable. Also, handles that hold on when you pick up the object are a good idea!
Lee Love said…
The amusing thing to watch when I showed potters around the galleries and shops in Mashiko: They tended to gravitate to the gnarly, funky woodfired pots, regardless of how well they were made. Maybe part of the reasons, was that you seldom see them being exhibited or sold back home.
Here in N. America, sloppy is often confused with expressive. If you study both kinds, you can develop an eye to know better.

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