You’re OUT and don’t you come back until you have learned the rules. I have decided to appoint myself the Standards Committee Chairman of my own collection.
First candidate- Ronnie the Rat Meyers, Professor Emeritus, U of G,
Oh my Ronnie these plates have yellow, red and pink stains. You know they
are disallowed. What if someone took one of these plates and served coq au vin,
or stuffed whitefish with lemon sauce or southern BBQ on one of these rough
edged plates. Could you not have sponged down the sharp lines? I’m sorry you
shipped your work all this way but you are OUT!
Second candidate- Bruce Dehnert Head of Ceramics at Peter’s Valley Crafts
Center, NJ. Oh Bruce your edges are sooooooo sharp! Have you never heard of a
green scrubby? What if a customer decided to put their lips to the edge of your
vessels? Your pots are kinda wonky too! Why didn't ya clean all that clay
shit off the sides? They don’t look like you have mastered the craft. We here at
The Cactus Lounge don't like marks of process. Sorry man but you are OUT.
I still like you as a person though, OK?
Candidate #3 John Chalke The Canadian Cowboy and Conscience of The West-
Holy shit, Batman these glazes are beyond acceptable. What if someone took this
pan off the wall and decided to serve a Cornish hen in it? The glazes are all
bubbled up, sharp and goodness me they just might kill someone. Johnnie my old
friend wherever you are please don’t scorch me for this. I’m just doing my job.
OUT! OUT! OUT!
Candidate #4 Dan Murphy- my prof at Utah State University. Oh Dan, this dang
moon jar is all lop-sided. It ain’t even symmetrical for heaven sakes. It has
these scars on the side of it like it fell on something during the firing. The
rim is kinda sharp and it is leaning over all wonky like. You call yourself a
Professor- ha! As much as I hate to say this- You’re BIG TIME OUT!!!!!!
Oh man this has been stressful. I fear my whole house may well be a danger zone. I have so many pots with all these imperfections. How could I have chosen so unwisely. Where do I begin? I'm having friends over tomorrow so I had better trash my entire collection for fear of a law suit. Soooooooo much stress! I had better go for a run. It helps me get away from all this
responsibility. Have a safe day everyone and by all means stay clear of nasty pots.